12 COMMON SENSE RULES WHEN TRAVELLING SOUTH AND WEST OF BRISTOL

Reissued by the South Western Tourism Bureau

1. Don't fake the accent. This will induce ridicule, and you will be persuaded into buying them at least another 2 pints. The BBC style "country folk" accent relates to barren lands to the north (Bristol and the Archers)

Yes, they know how to speak proper English. They talk in this way because they don't want to sound like you. They don't care if you don't understand what they're are saying. All other Southwesterners understand what is being said, and that's all that matters.

This also happens, but on a far worse scale, in Wales.

2. Don't order food outside normal eating times as this invades on their quality time for Tai Chi, Yoga and milking. Pasties and cream teas are not eaten by locals. They are a gimmick and unhealthy. Eat what the locals eat line caught Sea Bass, South Devon Beef, Venison sausages or stir fried tofu with yam and brown rice.

3. They are fully aware of how high the pollen count is. Fresh air makes you immune to brake and tyre particles. It is real country down there so just spend your money and go home happy in the fact you have helped their economy.

4. Don't order a bottle of cider. Accept it on draught with bits in (possibly wasp or chewing tobacco). Local wines and beers are also available (no bits in these).

Town beer, town folk. Real country, real beer.

5. They know their heritage. The South West looks poor because they give more to charity than any other county.Don't refer to them as a bunch of Carrot Crunchers. They live in Suffolk.

6. They have plenty of business sense (e.g., Eden Project, china clay, the beast of Bodmin). They flogged plenty of silver, lead and tin to the Phoenicians before your town filled up with horse dung and fog. They do, however, act dumb when the EU are handing out shed loads of money for renovations. Rich farmers normally keep their trousers up with bailing twine and drive top of the range Mercedes and JCBs.

7. Pixie Farms are shrines of ridicule in the South West. No local would ever dream of visiting one. They are closed in the winter whilst the owners rest in the Bahamas.

The wearing of silly hats, brightly coloured clothing and socks with sandals is only undertaken by tourists. Locals tend to use surf shops, Debenhams and charity shops.

8. Don't laugh at their Southwestern names (Trevelan, Tuckett, Tresise, Drake, Plymouth, Poldark). Look on an atlas and see how far these names have spread around the world. Got further than the Romans ever did.

9. If you want to buy a holiday home in Brittany then do so. The South West is prettier, people drive on the correct side of the road and your language is easily understood. The best scenery is hidden by high hedges which are cut down in late September.

Local house prices are inflated during the holiday season to make your own houses sound cheap and stop estate agents moving into the charity shops.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because they know better. Many have visited Northern hellholes like Luton, Abergavenny, Reading and Livingstone (usually undertaking missionary or academic studies over the years).

The M5, Intercity and Ryanair are ready when you are if you don't like it.

11. Don't ridicule our South Western manners. They say sir and madam, hold doors open for others. They offer their seats to the old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around their sweet little greyhaired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into you. Always wave thank you when they stop and let you pass in the lanes. Tractors are designed not to feel bumps or scrapes for this reason.

12. Remember they're not quaint, or losers, because most of them live in the countryside. They have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like Liverpool, Glasgow, Barrow and Peckham and hope for your return next year.