SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION

Feet cold and wet

Glass being held at incorrect angle

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper bladder control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

Glass empty

Get somebody to buy another beer

Opposite wall covered with flourescent lights

You have fallen over backward

Have yourself lashed to the bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts

You have fallen over forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of shirt is wet

Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor blurred

You are looking through bottom of an empty glass

Get somebody to buy another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bar tender

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on somebody cushy looking

Beer is crystal clear

It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologise to everyone you see just in case it was them

Don't recognise anyone or the room you are in

You've wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until voice improves

Don't remember words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar